Perspectives

Like so many of my friends and peers, I tend to overscrutinize my own personality flaws, my failings, my propensity for social awkwardness. It's normal, everyone does it, and we are united by our own insecurities, no matter how diverse in nature those insecurities are. We look at each other, see signs of success and "with-it-itude" and automatically assume that we must be lagging behind, failing, losing our touch.

I do it all the time: My own insecurities stem from the transience of my life. I'm still waist-deep in school, I still don't know what I'm going to do when I finally earn my master's, and my own emotions wax and wane according to some unknown x. I'm being ambiguous here, only because I know so little about what I am trying to say. I have the feeling that things soon will blossom, that I'll finally slog through my work and I'll get it together.

However, at the same time, that just seems so far in the future. It's kind of like how summer seems so far away when right now, I can see snow falling outside my window. The rational side of the brain says, "One step at a time, secure footing each step, shoulder the burden according to what is necessary, but don't take such a heavy load." The irrational says, "I want it all now. Give it to me, I can do it, I'll make it through somehow."

The rational side to me here, is that I need to slow things down and focus on each task at hand as they come. The irrational side is the one that thinks that it's possible to work 50 hours a week, assemble a thesis (which is still not even near close to being finished), train 15 hours a week, and maintain a healthy social life. I know I could acquiesce to the irrational me, but if I were to do so, some other aspect of my life, we could call it 'y' or '9' or some arbitrary assignation, would plummet, and I've got the feeling that factor y would be my own sanity.

So, in the interest of preserving my own mind, no matter how screwed-up I imagine it to be (which earlier I noted isn't really all that messed up), I've got to hammer in on the rational side of the mind, take things slow, and relish the academic life that I am afforded right now. Get it done, over with, and move on: that's some advice that I wish I could sometimes take.