Apologies

A few years ago I was way into road racing. Now, not so much. The few I've done this year were disappointing, and for no reason other than I lack guts. I'll be mid-pack, hanging-in and feeling good, and then someone goes down behind me or to the side and I lose my nerve, my cool, and I drop back enough that I'm no longer in contention. I'm strong enough to do well – numbers don't lie – but the disconnect with what my legs and lungs can do versus the mind that controls them is something else entirely. I get scared of going down and back off, content with coming in 40th, ahead of a stream of stragglers.

Kevin Clark and I share the same sentiment, that we hate crits – however, he did Glencoe last Sunday and I did not. I was out the night before drinking with Ben to celebrate his birthday and as opposed to having one or two, drinking a bunch of water, and going home early, I tore it up. I got in bed by 1 AM, woke up at 5:30 to meet the crew to ride to Glencoe, and felt like garbage all day. I felt strong on the ride up, but I was in no condition to race. Now a few days later, I think I sabotaged myself so I had an excuse not to line up and race for 30 minutes. I'm scared of going down, hurting myself and trashing my 'cross season after coming close to trashing it last year after doing something to my ribs after taking a spill in the woods at Montrose Harbor. I only got four races in when I should've and hoped-to have done ten. 2006 was trashed due to graduate school and a broken wrist, so I wanted to come back strong, especially since I had done so well back in 2005.

So, now, I apologize to everyone for making excuses, for wussing-out, for talking the talk, but hardly walking the walk. I'm going to work through whatever barrier is blocking the bravery and the guts and I hope to do a few road races before the season's done. However, I, and you, know full well that a tumble in the dirt and mud in a 'cross race hurts a lot less than one on the pavement, so try not to notice if I start sliding back in the pack and find a reason to pull myself out of contention.

I'm trying, I swear.